Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?' 

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Bits and Pieces

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss andIt's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to UtahSet your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacistwith a limited inventory

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary.

I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you;

Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.

Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

DUI-TEXAS Style

Only a person in Texas would think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and t hen switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy...'

Bob's Birthday

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A str!pper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the str!pper must have mistaken him for someone else, but
his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Drinks Show Your Personality
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
.
PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!
THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay

priceless words

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins
and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I
left early to go grocery shopping. Love you!"

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough
there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big
quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, 'LADY, LEAVE ME
ALONE! I'M MARRIED!' "

Moral :
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the right thing while drunk - "PRICELESS "

There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy!

The Pet

> > This guy was lonely and he decided life would be
> more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
> owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he
> finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug,) which came in a little
> white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a
> good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
> his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
> >
> He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
> with me and have a beer?"
> >
> > But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,
> > but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about
> > going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
> > But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
> > waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
> >
> > He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
> > against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE!
> > WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S
> PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"
> >
> > A little voice came out of the box -
> >
> > "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my dam shoes.

Verbal Cartoonist

Last month, the local newspaper published a few of Dan Liebert's pet peeves. I was hooked.

Today I did a search on this "Verbal Cartoonist" and giggled, then laughed until I nearly stopped breathing. Tears were streaming down my face and my lower lip trembled a little as I tried to suck it up and be serious, which, if you know me, is hard for me to do no matter what the situation.

Here are some of Dan Liebert's pet peeves:

1. When my opera cape gets caught on homeless people's junk.
2. Bad art in motel rooms, especially bad performance art.
3. When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is.
4. Big, conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.
5. When a can of cheap peas says "Pea Color and Size May Vary" and inside there's just one giant blue pea.
6. Halloween decorations in a hospice.

Intrigued? Read more.
And check out his blog. It's unlike any other blog you've ever read. Guaranteed.
Enjoy!

Wine Truck

Pam's note: I don't know about you, but sometimes if I drink too much wine I feel like I've been hit by some kind of truck! And hmmm, I usually feel cheated on my first drink. (See #9.)

Oh. And yes, I did get more than one of these emails sent to me. Should I worry?
(Actually, if you knew my real wind-drinking habits, even you might worry!)
LOL

You've been hit by the

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
...WINE TRUCK.......... '';, ___.
_..._..._______====___..., ] -
'(@)'(@)'' ''''**(@)(@)*****''(@)

Once you've been hit, you have to hit five women who like to have fun, including the one who sent it to u. If you get hit again you'll know you really have a problem!

When girls drink too much............

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling 'woo-hoo!' is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's butt and honestly believe we could do it too.

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like homeless hookers than the goddesses we were just four hours ago.

5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.

6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! I love this song!'

7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the vodka.

10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)

11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.

12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

Budget cuts

Hymn #365

Pam's note: Maybe God was trying to tell that minister something...

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to!!
If this brightened your day don't let it stop here.
Pass it on with a smile.
Keep spreading the Cheer.

...See you at the river.

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, 'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Have you ever wondered what idiots look like?

Have you ever wondered what
idiots looks like?

Well, wonder no more!

YES, THAT IS A POWER STRIP FLOATING ON FLIP FLOPS

ALL GRANDPAS -- HEED THIS WARNING :

DO NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big t!ts."

In response to men bashing

A personal note here: I'm tired of men bashing. My husband and a lot of guys I know are wonderful and don't deserve the constant bashing in the emails I frequently get (and delete.) I figured this email needed to be posted to help even things out a little.
To mis-quote the end of most of the men bashing emails I get, "Forward this to all the smart men you know - and the women you think can handle it!"
-Pam

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, And still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

News For The Holidays

Wonderful news in time for the Holidays!

To all friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s * h * i * t * .

**There is no need to thank me for this valuable information

The Company Christmas Party

THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
==========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
===========================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?..... Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty.
=====================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
===========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
*****************************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidaze!

My Living Will

Last night, my hubby and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.