The Giraffe Test

Here's a Giraffe test for you

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

Wal-Mart

A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

Swine Flu survivor...

Swine flu can be dangerous. There are many reports of death from this disease, but many more people have survived this terrible illness. Which is worse - dying or surviving?
That's for you to decide...

Dog Grooming Championships

Somebody emailed these pictures to me.

It's either like Halloween for these pooches or maybe I should feel sorry for them.

Can't decide.

Dogs

Nap

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Wabbit

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm just westing."

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog

To all you hunters...

Tracks

Three hicks were out hunting and came across a set of tracks.

The first hunter said, "Wow look at these tracks these look like tracks
from a huge bear."

The second hunter said, "You are crazy these are elk tracks."

Before the third hunter could say anything a train ran over them.....

PALO DURO CANYON, TEXAS

Pam says: I'll take this over spiders...

PALO DURO CANYON, TEXAS look close . . . . . lower center . . . . . then scroll down

I wonder how many are in the hole????

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned
his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him
pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my
car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater...............

Pets: Public Notice

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT
DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.
________________________________

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Southern Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used,
size 14-16. $2.00
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine. Magazine - $3.00
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. $5.00
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim: I went for more shotgun shells and to
pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour..
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house..

Better wait out here on the porch.

"Cooter"

The Pet

> > This guy was lonely and he decided life would be
> more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
> owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he
> finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug,) which came in a little
> white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a
> good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
> his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
> >
> He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
> with me and have a beer?"
> >
> > But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,
> > but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about
> > going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
> > But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
> > waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
> >
> > He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
> > against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE!
> > WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S
> PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"
> >
> > A little voice came out of the box -
> >
> > "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my dam shoes.

STRESS

So many of our good friends and family suffer from "stress" without realizing it that I thought this simple test would be appropriate. I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation

No Need to Reply,
I'll be on Vacation.

Verbal Cartoonist

Last month, the local newspaper published a few of Dan Liebert's pet peeves. I was hooked.

Today I did a search on this "Verbal Cartoonist" and giggled, then laughed until I nearly stopped breathing. Tears were streaming down my face and my lower lip trembled a little as I tried to suck it up and be serious, which, if you know me, is hard for me to do no matter what the situation.

Here are some of Dan Liebert's pet peeves:

1. When my opera cape gets caught on homeless people's junk.
2. Bad art in motel rooms, especially bad performance art.
3. When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is.
4. Big, conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.
5. When a can of cheap peas says "Pea Color and Size May Vary" and inside there's just one giant blue pea.
6. Halloween decorations in a hospice.

Intrigued? Read more.
And check out his blog. It's unlike any other blog you've ever read. Guaranteed.
Enjoy!

Fishin'

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with two ice chests full of fish.

He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked
the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O.K." said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?" says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden!

"What fish?" replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.

Speeding Ticket

I got stopped for speeding the other day.
I thought I could talk my way out of it, until the cop looked at my dog in the back seat.
One sign you're driving too fast...