Saturday, October 17, 2009

Bits and Pieces

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss andIt's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to UtahSet your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacistwith a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you;
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

Thank you to all the authors, photographers, email passers-on, and clueless rednecks who unknowingly contributed to this collection of emails and photos.

If you authored or photographed anything in this collection, or appeared in any photos shared here, please let us know and we will gladly give you full credit for your work. If you would like us to remove your work/photo(s) please let us know, and they will be forever removed from this site as soon as we receive your request. Either way, please allow us a few days to make changes, as we access this site only a few times a week.

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