tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40352021668042034742024-03-13T07:41:24.615-07:00Pam's InboxPam is weird.
Since weird just seems to attract more weird, her email inbox is always stuffed with the weirdest of the weird. After she deletes the prayers and angels this is what's left.
At some point we knew it would spill out and infect society. We sincerely apologize for spreading the infection to you.Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.comBlogger507125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-34363098595762792072013-08-09T01:49:00.003-07:002013-08-09T01:49:44.111-07:00RandomIt would take me longer to explain why this picture is here than for you to just look at it.<br />
So.... Look at the picture.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wBPjFWLXUpU/UgStDs9fIeI/AAAAAAAABRQ/WOZeQkz7gQ4/s1600/no+train.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wBPjFWLXUpU/UgStDs9fIeI/AAAAAAAABRQ/WOZeQkz7gQ4/s400/no+train.JPG" width="372" /></a></div>
<br />
Did you look at it? Good.<br />
The end.Pam Noblehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996084966890955359noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-55959628042971035382011-05-28T14:44:00.000-07:002011-05-28T14:44:00.762-07:00Neurological Test - you NEED to take this testA Short Neurological Test (don't delete yet.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.<br />
<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.<br />
<br />
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999<br />
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999<br />
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999<br />
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999<br />
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999<br />
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999<br />
<br />
3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.<br />
<br />
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM<br />
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<br />
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<br />
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<br />
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<br />
<br />
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer. <br />
<br />
Congratulations!Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-1454841032366586532011-05-21T09:35:00.000-07:002011-05-21T09:35:01.097-07:00The Origin of the White Wedding DressA son asked his mother the following question:<br />
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'<br />
<br />
The mother looks at her son and replies:<br />
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'<br />
<br />
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.<br />
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'<br />
<br />
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:<br />
"Son, all household appliances come in white!!! "Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-32013266092717767342011-05-14T09:36:00.000-07:002011-05-14T09:36:00.244-07:00FW: Jokes That Can Be Told in ChurchAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, <br />
<br />
'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' <br />
<br />
The mother replied, 'because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' <br />
<br />
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' <br />
<br />
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. <br />
<br />
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! <br />
<br />
As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him <br />
<br />
$50..' <br />
<br />
The second boy says, <br />
<br />
'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' <br />
<br />
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' <br />
<br />
He answered, 'Call for backup.' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. <br />
<br />
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter. ' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five <br />
<br />
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' <br />
<br />
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human <br />
<br />
beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. <br />
<br />
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' <br />
<br />
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.. I think I'm going to have a wife.' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' <br />
<br />
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' <br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop <br />
<br />
laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-53349991586417610982011-05-07T05:50:00.000-07:002011-05-07T05:50:00.510-07:00If you think you know everything, answer these questions!A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING<br />
This is a quiz for people who know everything!<br />
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.<br />
These are not trick questions..<br />
They are straight questions with straight answers.<br />
<br />
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.<br />
<br />
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?<br />
<br />
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for severalgrowing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?<br />
<br />
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?<br />
<br />
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?<br />
<br />
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words.. Name two of them.<br />
7. There a r e 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?<br />
<br />
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.<br />
<br />
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S...'<br />
<br />
THIS IS PRETTY COOL<br />
HAVE A GREAT DAY<br />
<br />
Answers To Quiz:<br />
<br />
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.<br />
<i> Boxing</i><br />
<br />
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.<br />
<i> Niagara Falls</i><br />
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute..)<br />
<br />
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . .<br />
<i> Asparagus and rhubarb.</i><br />
<br />
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside.<br />
<i> Strawberry.</i><br />
<br />
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? <i>It grew inside the bottle.</i><br />
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season.. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)<br />
<br />
6. Three English words beginning with dw<br />
<i> Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.</i><br />
<br />
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.<br />
<i>Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.</i><br />
<br />
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.<br />
<i>Lettuce.</i><br />
<br />
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'.<br />
<i> Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts, spats (that's 7!)</i>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-28197524402399631512011-04-28T13:09:00.000-07:002011-04-28T13:09:00.955-07:00Just Fred<div class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_QB2FPfN9qk4/S2dDGAttl5I/AAAAAAAABVo/kUR-bPzlWvA/s1600-h/image001-784679.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433385245995800466" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_QB2FPfN9qk4/S2dDGAttl5I/AAAAAAAABVo/kUR-bPzlWvA/s320/image001-784679.jpg" /></a></div><div class="mobile-photo"></div><div align="left" dir="ltr"><br />
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.</div><br />
'Fred,' he replies.<br />
<br />
'Fred what?' the officer asks.<br />
<br />
'Just Fred,' the man responds.<br />
<br />
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.<br />
<br />
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'<br />
<br />
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. <br />
I studied hard and got good grades. <br />
<br />
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.<br />
<br />
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. <br />
<br />
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. <br />
<br />
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. <br />
<br />
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.<br />
<br />
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'<br />
<br />
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-5925580479206046162011-04-21T09:56:00.000-07:002011-04-21T09:56:00.701-07:00The 6 affairs<b>The 1st Affair</b><br />
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.<br />
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.<br />
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.<br />
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.<br />
He put on his shoes and drove home.<br />
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.<br />
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'<br />
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying b@stard! You've been playing golf!'<br />
<br />
<b>The 2nd Affair</b><br />
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.<br />
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.<br />
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.<br />
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.<br />
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.<br />
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'<br />
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'<br />
<br />
<b>The 3rd Affair</b><br />
A mortician was working late one night.<br />
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.<br />
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!<br />
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'<br />
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.<br />
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.<br />
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'<br />
<br />
<b>The 4th Affair</b><br />
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.<br />
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'<br />
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.<br />
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'<br />
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.<br />
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'<br />
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.<br />
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.<br />
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'<br />
<br />
<b>The 5th Affair</b><br />
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.<br />
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'<br />
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.<br />
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'<br />
'A nickel,' the barman replied.<br />
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.<br />
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'<br />
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'<br />
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'<br />
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'<br />
<br />
<b> The 6th & Best Affair</b><br />
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.<br />
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'<br />
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.<br />
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'<br />
'I know,' she replied.<br />
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-40146011112651355592011-04-14T14:47:00.000-07:002011-04-14T14:47:00.770-07:00BobBob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.<br />
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.<br />
<br />
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'<br />
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.<br />
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'<br />
<br />
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.<br />
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'<br />
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'<br />
<br />
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,<br />
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'<br />
<br />
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.<br />
<br />
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.<br />
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.<br />
<br />
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.<br />
<br />
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.<br />
The cabby turns around and says,<br />
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'<br />
<br />
<br />
Bob's funeral will be on Saturday.Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-78123150990151459872011-04-07T08:27:00.000-07:002011-04-07T08:27:00.403-07:00One Bright DayOne bright day in the middle of the night,<br />
Two dead boys got up to fight,<br />
Back to back they faced each other,<br />
Drew their swords and shot each other,<br />
One was blind and the other couldn't, see<br />
So they chose a dummy for a referee.<br />
A blind man went to see fair play,<br />
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"<br />
A paralysed donkey passing by,<br />
Kicked the blind man in the eye,<br />
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,<br />
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,<br />
A deaf policeman heard the noise,<br />
And came to arrest the two dead boys,<br />
If you don't believe this story’s true,<br />
Ask the blind man he saw it too!<br />
<br />
-Author UnknownPamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-67941101832937686622011-03-31T09:43:00.000-07:002011-03-31T09:43:00.905-07:00Dead body at a non-fatal car crashIn the news, there was a story of a police officer who discovered a serious car accident where a station wagon went off the road and hit a tree. The only person in the vehicle was the driver, who was dead.<br />
<br />
The news reporter on the scene later a commented that the police officer had spoken with the driver.<br />
<br />
I continued watching the news, considering the possibility that the police officer used a Ouija board or held a seance at the side of the road...<br />
<br />
Then the reporter came back on to say they asked the authorities on the scene if they really did talk with the driver. They wanted to find out what actually happened.<br />
<br />
Turns out the driver is alive and well, this wasn't a fatality after all. For him, anyway. There was a passenger in the vehicle who was dead, but had been dead for a while prior to the crash.<br />
<br />
The station wagon is actually a hearse...Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-54084090651354012011-03-24T20:57:00.000-07:002011-03-24T20:57:47.742-07:00Girlie Wisdom!1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.<br />
<br />
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.<br />
<br />
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.<br />
<br />
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.<br />
<br />
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.<br />
<br />
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.<br />
<br />
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...<br />
<br />
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.<br />
<br />
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear...<br />
<br />
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!<br />
<br />
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like... 'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!<br />
<br />
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.<br />
<br />
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-51409693031873985602011-03-24T20:00:00.000-07:002011-03-24T20:00:37.144-07:00PasswordDuring a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:<br />
<br />
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"<br />
<br />
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-42863578938203131122011-03-20T17:29:00.000-07:002011-03-20T18:39:24.173-07:00One for the girls!I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous but .......<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-22479896894676777822011-03-20T16:09:00.000-07:002011-03-20T16:09:50.316-07:00Never Lose A GrandsonMy small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........<br />
<br />
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,<div><br />
"I've lost my grandpa!" </div><div><br />
The guard asked, "What's his name?" </div><div><br />
"Grandpa" <br />
<br />
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"<br />
<br />
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,<br />
<br />
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big boobs." </div>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-47156141230634520912011-03-20T15:19:00.000-07:002011-03-20T15:19:41.419-07:00Costume<div align="left" dir="ltr"><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div></div>A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.<div><br />
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.<br />
<br />
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:<br />
<br />
<i> Dear Sir,<br />
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.<br />
<br />
Very truly yours,<br />
Acme Costume Co.</i><br />
<br />
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:<br />
<br />
<i> Dear Sir,<br />
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.<br />
<br />
Very truly yours,<br />
Acme Costume Co</i>. <br />
<br />
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.</div><div><br />
</div><div>The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads: <br />
<br />
<i> Dear Sir,<br />
We have TRIED our very BEST.<br />
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. <br />
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.<br />
<br />
Very truly yours,<br />
Acme Costume Co</i>. <br />
</div>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-74064872764134751812011-03-20T15:14:00.000-07:002011-03-20T15:14:37.153-07:00so it seems...I have CDO.<br />
<br />
That's OCD, only with the letters in alphabetical order... the way they're supposed to be.Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-43862722247758399682011-03-20T15:08:00.000-07:002011-03-20T15:08:37.384-07:00Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:<br />
<br />
A half-gallon of 2% milk<br />
<br />
A carton of eggs<br />
<br />
A quart of orange juice<br />
<br />
A head of lettuce<br />
<br />
A 2 lb. can of coffee<br />
<br />
A 1 lb. package of bacon<br />
<br />
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'<br />
<br />
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.<br />
<br />
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.<br />
<br />
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?' <div><br />
</div><div>The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.</div>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-49149839841854419942011-03-20T14:40:00.000-07:002011-03-20T14:40:47.753-07:00WOMAN'S YEARLY EXAMI went to the doctor for my yearly physical..<br />
The nurse started with certain basics.<br />
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.<br />
"135," I replied.<br />
The nurse put me on the scale.<br />
It turns out my weight is 180.<br />
The nurse asked: "Your height?"<br />
"5 feet, 6 inches," I answered.<br />
The nurse checked and saw that<br />
I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.<br />
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it's very high.<br />
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"<br />
She put me on Prozac..<br />
What a #*%&@!Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-70652655970063501112011-03-20T14:36:00.000-07:002011-03-20T14:36:42.328-07:00Find the error, its impossibleFind the error, its impossible.<br />
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20<br />
Did you know that 80% of UCDS students could not find the error above?<br />
Comment if you think you found it -Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-72759339199325764392010-07-01T05:15:00.000-07:002010-07-01T05:15:00.260-07:00HOW DO THESE FOLKS SURVIVE ???ONE<br />
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.<br />
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.<br />
'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply..<br />
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'<br />
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets<br />
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)<br />
<br />
TWO<br />
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.<br />
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'<br />
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today..'<br />
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.<br />
She had no clue to what had just happened.<br />
<br />
THREE<br />
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a<br />
credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'<br />
(keep shuddering!!)<br />
<br />
FOUR<br />
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.<br />
'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.'<br />
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'<br />
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?'<br />
I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.<br />
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'<br />
<br />
FIVE<br />
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'<br />
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.<br />
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.<br />
Brunette, by the way!!<br />
<br />
SIX<br />
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.<br />
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,<br />
'I just gave him some ant killer......'<br />
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'<br />
<br />
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-58976161621376276762010-06-22T08:44:00.000-07:002010-06-22T08:44:00.477-07:00High School 1957 vs. 2010<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Scenario 1:<br />
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.<br />
<br />
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.<br />
<br />
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.<br />
<br />
Scenario 2:<br />
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.<br />
<br />
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.<br />
<br />
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.<br />
<br />
Scenario 3:<br />
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.<br />
<br />
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.<br />
<br />
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.<br />
<br />
Scenario 4:<br />
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.<br />
<br />
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.<br />
<br />
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.<br />
<br />
Scenario 5:<br />
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..<br />
<br />
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal who also has a headache<br />
<br />
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.<br />
<br />
Scenario 6:<br />
Pedro fails high school English.<br />
<br />
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.<br />
<br />
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English..<br />
<br />
Scenario 7:<br />
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.<br />
<br />
1957 - Ants die.<br />
<br />
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.<br />
<br />
Scenario 8:<br />
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.<br />
<br />
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.<br />
<br />
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.<br />
<br />
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!</span>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-51010693753825968692010-06-12T05:39:00.000-07:002010-06-12T05:39:00.445-07:00Classes for Women<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Sat., May 29, 2010 </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 1<br />
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat<br />
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.<br />
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 2<br />
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or B!tching About It for 3 Hours?<br />
Round Table Discussion.<br />
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 3<br />
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.<br />
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 4<br />
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.<br />
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 5<br />
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?<br />
Examples on Video.<br />
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning<br />
At 7:00 PM</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 6<br />
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program<br />
Help Line Support and Support Groups.<br />
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 7<br />
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?<br />
Open Forum.<br />
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 8<br />
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PM$ - USE IT!<br />
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 9<br />
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.<br />
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 10<br />
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.<br />
Driving Simulations.<br />
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 11<br />
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.<br />
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Class 12<br />
How to Shop by Yourself.<br />
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.</span>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-24255156026036369462010-06-02T10:18:00.000-07:002010-06-02T10:18:00.479-07:00DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.<br />
<br />
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.<br />
<br />
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.<br />
<br />
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'<br />
<br />
She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'</span>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-60581075954191538172010-05-31T10:36:00.000-07:002010-05-31T10:36:00.333-07:00Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Raleigh, NC (UPI) --<br />
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This anouncement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.<br />
<br />
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.<br />
<br />
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits..<br />
<br />
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!<br />
<br />
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. </span>Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4035202166804203474.post-18590097163939904982010-05-22T15:21:00.000-07:002010-05-22T15:21:00.488-07:001-2-3On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly.<br />
<br />
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.<br />
<br />
The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."<br />
<br />
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"<br />
<br />
The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."<br />
<br />
Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3".<br />
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.<br />
<br />
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"<br />
<br />
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.... because we could end up with a dangling participle...Pamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12104557126187051303noreply@blogger.com0