Friday, August 9, 2013

Random

It would take me longer to explain why this picture is here than for you to just look at it.
So.... Look at the picture.

Did you look at it? Good.
The end.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Neurological Test - you NEED to take this test

A Short Neurological Test (don't delete yet.)





1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO




2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress

A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

 The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
"Son, all household appliances come in white!!! "

Saturday, May 14, 2011

FW: Jokes That Can Be Told in Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him

$50..'

The second boy says,

'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter. '

~~~~~~~~~~~~



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five

and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human

beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~



You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop

laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

If you think you know everything, answer these questions!

A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions..
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for severalgrowing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words.. Name two of them.
7. There a r e 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S...'

THIS IS PRETTY COOL
HAVE A GREAT DAY

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.
Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute..)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . .
Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside.
Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season.. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.
Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'.
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts, spats (that's 7!)

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

Thank you to all the authors, photographers, email passers-on, and clueless rednecks who unknowingly contributed to this collection of emails and photos.

If you authored or photographed anything in this collection, or appeared in any photos shared here, please let us know and we will gladly give you full credit for your work. If you would like us to remove your work/photo(s) please let us know, and they will be forever removed from this site as soon as we receive your request. Either way, please allow us a few days to make changes, as we access this site only a few times a week.

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