Never Lose A Grandson

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!" 

The guard asked, "What's his name?" 

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big boobs." 

1-2-3

On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3".
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.... because we could end up with a dangling participle...

Electronically Challenged Seniors

Pam's note: Here's a real gem from my mother... -----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't remember writing this about myself.....
Donna K



Electronically Challenged Seniors


Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa’s crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son."
Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that “dealing with an elder” despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on theYakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer.. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone ring.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it‘s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Please Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

_________________________________________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

_________________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I... Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

_________________________________________

Now this one is just too Precious...!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her...

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

_________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
_________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Let him dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave. And come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'
=============

Ear Infection??

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned
his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him
pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my
car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater...............

Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your
perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.
They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time ,
but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )

First Question:
You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are
in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't
take as much timeas you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are WRONG
again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do
NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is
definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono,
and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses
himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?

It's really very simple.
He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so, Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

Seniors on a Little Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left
her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been
driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn
around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the
entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got
out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her. 'While you're in there, you might as well get my
hat and my credit card!'

AARP Forum

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?	A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?	A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where  can  it be  found?	A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?	A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?	A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?	A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?	A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?	A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?	A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?	A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

 

GRANDPARENT MOMENTS

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.

After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

♦♦♦♦♦

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment,and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

♦♦♦♦♦

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
'Who was THAT?'

♦♦♦♦♦

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,
'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

♦♦♦♦♦

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'

'You're both old,' he replied.

♦♦♦♦♦

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

'What's it about?' he asked.

'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'

♦♦♦♦♦

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something
and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.

It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

♦♦♦♦♦

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

♦♦♦♦♦

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.'

'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'

♦♦♦♦♦

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.'

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?'

'It's simple,'replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

♦♦♦♦♦

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.

'Sure,' said the young boy confidently 'It means carrying a child.'

♦♦♦♦♦

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.

'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'

A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...

♦♦♦♦♦

Senior Citizens Test....

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it,
you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss
of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers
until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight,
two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the
engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in
the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany & West Germany, or no
man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Londonto
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden,
two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and
16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get
on. In Carpathian, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive
at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than
you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

bran muffins

A couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched
their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid
could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every
day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or
sick.'

'This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran
muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

SENILITY

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and
stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where to find my hearing aid."

________________________________

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
not gonorrhoea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh!t he always was.'

________________________________

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was
an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $5,000. please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

________________________________

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again,
a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch
that wall!'

________________________________

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade
soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for
half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me
until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

________________________________

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference .

________________________________

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh he11, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

________________________________

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

3 Grandmas

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell
exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How
in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies
happily yelled in unison - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'