Saturday, November 8, 2008

SENILITY

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and
stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where to find my hearing aid."

________________________________


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
not gonorrhoea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh!t he always was.'

________________________________


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was
an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $5,000. please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

________________________________


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again,
a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch
that wall!'

________________________________

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade
soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for
half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me
until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

________________________________


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.


One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

________________________________


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference .

________________________________

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh he11, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

________________________________

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

Thank you to all the authors, photographers, email passers-on, and clueless rednecks who unknowingly contributed to this collection of emails and photos.

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