Saturday, May 23, 2009

Please Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

_________________________________________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I... Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

_________________________________________

Now this one is just too Precious...!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her...

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
_________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

Thank you to all the authors, photographers, email passers-on, and clueless rednecks who unknowingly contributed to this collection of emails and photos.

If you authored or photographed anything in this collection, or appeared in any photos shared here, please let us know and we will gladly give you full credit for your work. If you would like us to remove your work/photo(s) please let us know, and they will be forever removed from this site as soon as we receive your request. Either way, please allow us a few days to make changes, as we access this site only a few times a week.

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