Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD

Over a urinal in a men's room:
WILL BUCKS WITH SHORT HORNS PLEASE STAND UP CLOSE? THE NEXT MAN MAY HAVE HOLES IN HIS SHOES!

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHI NG MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

Who's yo Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details;' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms!

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. That would be the daddy.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son's conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; it really was in the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Scary Lawyers

1st Grade

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic

1. Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2. Strike while the
bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of
termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but
How?

6. Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.

7. No news is
impossible

8. A miss is as good as a
Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new
Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust
Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the
pigs.

13. An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's
pollution.

15. Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is
not much.

17. Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than
Pregnant

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and de-flower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute... Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England -- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband; and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...???)
(Did our government pay for this research?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning.)

PALO DURO CANYON, TEXAS

Pam says: I'll take this over spiders...

PALO DURO CANYON, TEXAS look close . . . . . lower center . . . . . then scroll down

I wonder how many are in the hole????

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Ponderisms for Saturday

Can you cry under water?
________________________________
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
________________________________
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
________________________________
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
________________________________
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
________________________________
What disease did cured ham actually have?
________________________________
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
________________________________
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?
________________________________
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
________________________________
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
________________________________
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
________________________________
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.
________________________________
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
________________________________
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
________________________________
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
________________________________
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
________________________________
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
________________________________
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?
________________________________
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
________________________________
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
________________________________
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
________________________________
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
________________________________
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Verbal Cartoonist

Last month, the local newspaper published a few of Dan Liebert's pet peeves. I was hooked.

Today I did a search on this "Verbal Cartoonist" and giggled, then laughed until I nearly stopped breathing. Tears were streaming down my face and my lower lip trembled a little as I tried to suck it up and be serious, which, if you know me, is hard for me to do no matter what the situation.

Here are some of Dan Liebert's pet peeves:

1. When my opera cape gets caught on homeless people's junk.
2. Bad art in motel rooms, especially bad performance art.
3. When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is.
4. Big, conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.
5. When a can of cheap peas says "Pea Color and Size May Vary" and inside there's just one giant blue pea.
6. Halloween decorations in a hospice.

Intrigued? Read more.
And check out his blog. It's unlike any other blog you've ever read. Guaranteed.
Enjoy!

Questions:

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
(Albert Einstein)

Why do they have 10 check-out lanes when they never have more than two open?
(Scott Stantis, The Buckets comic strip)

Where do people in hell tell each other to go?
(On Course magazine)

So you think English is easy?

Maybe this is why them latino folks don't learn English????

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS:
- Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'.
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.......... it is time to shut UP!

Oh. one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U-P.

Today's giggle

You may have to click "play" a second time to get it started. Don't ask me why, I don't write the software, I just use it.

Reuters.com - Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts

Frank was reading the news online when I entered the room with some groceries. I nearly dropped my jugs of milk when I saw the headline for this news story. I did a double take and set the melons I was carrying down on the desk as I read the story.

Sorry for the lame attempts to enhance the humor here, but you've gotta admit the headline is the breast one I've seen in a long time.

Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts

Mon Feb 11 21:28:13 UTC 2008 To read the whole story, click here.

MARVELOUS MOMENTS FOR MEDICAL DOCTORS

MARVELOUS MOMENTS FOR MEDICAL DOCTORS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered.."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly"
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep! off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"
Dr. name withheld

Check out the song title of #6

Nice visual.

http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/store/artist/album/0,,3869363,00.html

Comments, anyone?

I have a Question

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that
mean that one out of five enjoys it?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they
just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't
people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, th en what
exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP? ?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until
you learn to drive?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a co w laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?

Observation

Hmmm, ja. Must be from Minnesoota er Viskonson, hey.

Extracurricular Activities?

Looking for one thing and stumbled across another. You know how that happens?
Love the third link down on the left side. Click on it to see the students with their "projects."

http://www.grygla.k12.mn.us/Grygla2005/HighSchoolMain.html

Do they get credit for this? What's the grading scale - is it based strictly on points bagged? Or do they take an average of the total points bagged (is 'bagged' even the right term to use here?) and base individual grades on percentage of the total? How many points do you have to get if you want an A?

Please post your comments on how you'd grade these kids.

Is the cave furnished?

I was looking up cooking jobs in France and stumbled across a version of Craig's List. This sub-category under housing intrigued me:

http://www.franglo.com/classifieds/storage_cave_box-b310.html

Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind

Hmm, I'm not retired (or anywhere near that milestone, thank you very
much) but I'd guess many of my friends would blame me for these
thought-provoking queries.
~Pam

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I am neither for nor against apathy.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists...they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help groups?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?