Bits and Pieces

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss andIt's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to UtahSet your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacistwith a limited inventory

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary.

I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you;

Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.

Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Obituary

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Please rise to the occasion and take time to pass this on and share that smile with someone that may be having a crummy day and kneads it.

The Mustard Story

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh
bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet
Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table
in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my
wife suddenly at my side.

'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she
said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding
out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said,
'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''

Are you Martha or Maxine?

Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it, anyway!

Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up
to a year.

Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your
pains go away!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

Maxine: Lastly, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will
fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

Verbal Cartoonist

Last month, the local newspaper published a few of Dan Liebert's pet peeves. I was hooked.

Today I did a search on this "Verbal Cartoonist" and giggled, then laughed until I nearly stopped breathing. Tears were streaming down my face and my lower lip trembled a little as I tried to suck it up and be serious, which, if you know me, is hard for me to do no matter what the situation.

Here are some of Dan Liebert's pet peeves:

1. When my opera cape gets caught on homeless people's junk.
2. Bad art in motel rooms, especially bad performance art.
3. When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is.
4. Big, conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.
5. When a can of cheap peas says "Pea Color and Size May Vary" and inside there's just one giant blue pea.
6. Halloween decorations in a hospice.

Intrigued? Read more.
And check out his blog. It's unlike any other blog you've ever read. Guaranteed.
Enjoy!

Salad. Spring Green salad.

----- Look closely at the package. Just below the words Fresco Lavado....
What probably happened is, the water the lettuce was washed in contained polliwogs and these became fresh new frogs, right in the packages. So if you're looking for salad fixins with a little more body, then be sure and try this brand.
Don't forget, it's the extra care that Mexican companies take that makes the diference.

Dogs and Cats

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom!! If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college and, last but not least....
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

The Company Christmas Party

THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
==========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
===========================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?..... Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty.
=====================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
===========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
*****************************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidaze!

Happy Thanksgiving

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

FW: AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

"Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Turkey Idea

Here’s a wild Thanksgiving Turkey preparation suggestion…sure to bring smiles to your guests!

Follow these simple steps…
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully (see picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces when they see your glorious bird...

May your stuffing be tasty
And your turkey plump
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
May your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs

Happy Thanksgiving!