Neurological Test - you NEED to take this test

A Short Neurological Test (don't delete yet.)





1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO




2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

If you think you know everything, answer these questions!

A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions..
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for severalgrowing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words.. Name two of them.
7. There a r e 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S...'

THIS IS PRETTY COOL
HAVE A GREAT DAY

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.
Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute..)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . .
Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside.
Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season.. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.
Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'.
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts, spats (that's 7!)

so it seems...

I have CDO.

That's OCD, only with the letters in alphabetical order... the way they're supposed to be.

Find the error, its impossible

Find the error, its impossible.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Did you know that 80% of UCDS students could not find the error above?
Comment if you think you found it -

Classes for Women

Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Sat., May 29, 2010 


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or B!tching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM


Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PM$ - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

The Giraffe Test

Here's a Giraffe test for you

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's peni$ is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands d complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off
the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way.

Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "DEAD RINGER"

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!
Educate someone...Share!

For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
(That women are going the 'right' direction?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne articles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)


And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I Know Some People Like That, Don't YOU?)

So . . .

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...& go move your toothbrush!

A Bit Of History--Trivia

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

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In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today
in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to
stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced', wore a tightly tied lace.

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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring
to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your 'P's and Q's '

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One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.
However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to
the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the
temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

(All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

Historical definition

Manure

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

Socialism Experiment

An economics professor at Texas Tech University said he never failed a single student before, but had, once failed an entire class.

The class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class in socialism.

All grades from now on will be averaged, and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students that studied very little were happy.

But, as the second test rolled around, the students that studied very little studied even less, and the students who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied very little.

The second test average was a D!

No one was happy.

When the third test rolled around, they average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, and name-calling resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. All failed to their great surprise and the professor told them that socialism would ultimately fail because "The harder to succeed the greater the reward, but when a government takes all of the rewards away, no one will try to succeed!"

Political Correctness

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term:

This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end"

R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret

8TH GRADE - 1895

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895...

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA .. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina , and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina , KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,''play,' and 'run.'
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. For tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000.. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft.. Long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8.. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, f ain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying 'he only had an 8th grade education' a whole new meaning, doesn't it?! Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don't have the answers!

Why Math Is taught in School...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to me meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.

Perpetual Motion, revised

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit
new scientific theories on ANY subject.
Below is the winner:
Subject: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered
side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will
cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground.

If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a
high-speed monorail system.

.....and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients:

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the
buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered
side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well
with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast -
and butter the cats.

Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and
butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for
carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple
formula: p = s * t(t)/t? where p is the probability of carpet impact, s
is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of
the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the
carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s
value of water is zero.

t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p
being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the
carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent
and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if
you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this
combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability
of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to
hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as
the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash
resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting
accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have
happened if their party was in power as there would have been more
investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also
public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be
replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala
floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and de-flower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute... Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England -- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband; and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...???)
(Did our government pay for this research?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning.)

**How to POOP at Work **

Pam's disclaimer:
Yes. This is potty humor. If this offends you, don't read it. Instead, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

Ok. That's out of the way. Proceed...............


*How to POOP at Work **

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles & suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...



*CROP DUSTING*

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



*FLY BY*

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in & check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave & come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



*ESCAPEE*

A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urina1, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



*JAILBREAK*

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



*COURTESY FLUSH*

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



*WALK OF SHAME*

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER*

A colleague who poops at work & is doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)*

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, & identify SAFE HAVENS.



* SAFE HAVENS*

A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



*TURD BURGLAR*

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall & tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking & vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



*CAMO-COUGH*

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.



*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*

A subtle toe tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



*WATERMELON*

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



*HAVANA-OMELET*

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.



*AUNT BETTY*

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.





SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF



The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling & purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.



Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.



Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.



The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.



The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party & when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



NOW EVERYONE GO POOP IN PEACE



QUIT LAUGHING...

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Not sure what a 710 is?


Picture and joke courtesy of HotAutoWeb

Please visit their site for more jokes

Verbal Cartoonist

Last month, the local newspaper published a few of Dan Liebert's pet peeves. I was hooked.

Today I did a search on this "Verbal Cartoonist" and giggled, then laughed until I nearly stopped breathing. Tears were streaming down my face and my lower lip trembled a little as I tried to suck it up and be serious, which, if you know me, is hard for me to do no matter what the situation.

Here are some of Dan Liebert's pet peeves:

1. When my opera cape gets caught on homeless people's junk.
2. Bad art in motel rooms, especially bad performance art.
3. When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is.
4. Big, conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.
5. When a can of cheap peas says "Pea Color and Size May Vary" and inside there's just one giant blue pea.
6. Halloween decorations in a hospice.

Intrigued? Read more.
And check out his blog. It's unlike any other blog you've ever read. Guaranteed.
Enjoy!