Password

During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

HOW DO THESE FOLKS SURVIVE ???

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply..
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today..'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.'
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?'
I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
 As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,
'I just gave him some ant killer......'
 Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Corn Maze for Blondes

I sent the following FW: to a friend.  She is not blonde, but her response is priceless.  Now I need to figure out how to explain it to her.  Any suggestions?  LOL

******************************************

Not funney.. What thats suppuse to mean?

*******************************************

FW: Corn maze

U will like this one - found on Rt 6 between Sandusky & Fremont, OH

 

Wal-Mart

A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

(Smart) Blonde waitress

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does
he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon.'

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

Be Afraid.!!!!

If the whole image isn't visible, click it to make it bigger... 

 

 

 

Is it because? (another blonde joke )

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9,
10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all
the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C,
D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And
she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me
last
year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung-up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

I need to read this off for the outgoing message on my home answering
machine.
-Pam

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,

stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.

It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy
anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep.

But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry.

You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.

You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable
person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done. Your turn!!)

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
> balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
> it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging
> pockets.
>
> Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf
> balls'.
> Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
> time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
>
> After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
> longer, she asked;
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
>

BLONDES

> >
> BLONDE LOGIC
> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one
> blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
> Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
> can you see Florida ?????"
>
> CAR TROUBLE
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
> it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
> She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor"
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
> nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you
> guys
> would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and
> then today you expect me to show it to you!"
>
> RIVER WALK
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I

> get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
> the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
> her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor,
> "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder
and
> screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She
> pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
> screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said,
> "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm
> actually
> a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
>
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the
> wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
> lights
> and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
> and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
>
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
> Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We
were
> the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be
the
> first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
> and
> shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
> up!" said
> the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> We're
> going at night!"
>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice
> and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a
> vacuum
> and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time
> and then
> asked, "Is it on or off?"
>
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
> dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
> saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
> said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
>
>

FW: FW: Blond Joke !

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets
up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she
will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and
I'm staying right here.'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that
belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and
I'm staying right here.'

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land, to arrest a blonde woman who won't listen to
reason.

The pilot says, 'you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I'm married
to a blonde. I speak blonde.'

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, 'oh,
I'm sorry.' and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy...

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

'I told her, first class isn't going to Toronto.'

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb
black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a
rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a
wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times!"

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Not sure what a 710 is?


Picture and joke courtesy of HotAutoWeb

Please visit their site for more jokes

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS

Furthermore...

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a

"BREASTED AMERICAN."

 

2.She is not "EASY" - She is

"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

 

3.She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED

DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION  SUPERHIGHWAY."

 

4.She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a

"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

 

5.She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY

REPETITIVE."

 

6.She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a

"LOW COST PROVIDER."

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1.He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a

"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

 

2.He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is

"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

 

3.He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He

"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

 

4.He is not "BALDING" - He is in

"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

 

5.He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

 

6.It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

The blonde handywoman

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's being a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes .'

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge .'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus.'

blonde GUY joke

Sorry ya'll but I had to send this one.

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the joint funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch ."

Wal-Mart Cat

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of
her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART?

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred
to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."