laughs for the day

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.


Heaven is Where: The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The
Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the
Italians.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.


In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.


I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.


I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.


KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.


I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And
then the trouble started.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.


When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".


Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


I am having an out-of-money experience.


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines!


I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror
like the passengers in his car.

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before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

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