Friday, February 27, 2009

BECAUSE I AM A MAN...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.

If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a
couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it.

....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.

I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at
least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.

Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine.

Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...

...Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to
do.
_______________________________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

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