Friday, August 29, 2008

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

I need to read this off for the outgoing message on my home answering
machine.
-Pam


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,

stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.

It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy
anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep.

But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry.

You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.

You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable
person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done. Your turn!!)

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

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