Monday, September 1, 2008

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):.........

I don't know about humor for lexophiles, but these are all groaners.
-Pam

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):.........

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.

He became a hardened criminal.

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Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

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We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.

He did a number on it.

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The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

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The dead batteries were given out free of charge

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If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

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A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

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A will, is a dead giveaway.

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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

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A backward poet writes inverse.

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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

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A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

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If you don't pay your exorcist you can get reposessed.

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With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.

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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

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The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

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A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

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You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

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Local Area Network in Australia :

The LAN down under.

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He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

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A calendar's days are numbered.

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A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

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A boiled egg, is hard to beat.

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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

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A plateau, is a high form of flattery.

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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

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When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

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If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

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When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

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Santa's helpers, are subordinate clauses.

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Acupuncture: a jab well done.

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

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