Are you Martha or Maxine?

Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it, anyway!

Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up
to a year.

Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your
pains go away!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

Maxine: Lastly, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will
fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.


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