Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A great gift for the wife

Make sure you aren't eating anything when you read this....
A great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, ' don't do it dipsh!t.' Reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE #@!@#!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go
of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three second burst would be
considered conservative?

#@!#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparently I sh!t myself, but was too numb to know for sure
and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe was from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

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