Puns

From my mother...

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost
my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.  

 

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field; Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my Mom or my Dad, or maybe my older brother
Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But, I'm
pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him
50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for
experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

17. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

21. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."